At times along my journey, I've thought, really, was I really mad after all? Did I really think I had some understanding, some experience of One-ness, or was it all imagination?
After a while you realise, that as we are each clearing out our programming, clearing out the ego-fears, upgrading our DNA, actually was is happening is an ebbing and flowing: we release some things, we have clarity, we have inner peace and a state of One-ness.. then something else comes up and BOOM!
As we make space within for more light, for more consciousness to grow, we ever feel inner peace, and release the need for identity, knowing, strong ideas and opinions. Boy, though, they like to hang around! And that's ok. I've seen myself in a state of No-thing, a space where I was One with all, knowing that through every fibre of my being I connect to every fibre of every other being: for there is no other truth.
However, there are the last vestiges of ID clinging on. "Am I THIS?" or "Am I that?" when of course the answer is none and all. For me the question that has run a long time, is "Am I am boy, or Am I a girl?". When you face that question long enough, you really dissolve the ideas of what either is. You look in the mirror and can see either. In the end when I'm in my heart, I feel at peace, and there is no question. But oh, the claws of the mind, trying to cling back something to think about, cogitate have an opinion about, as if that gives us existence, and the question may arise once more.
Slowly I am making peace within to a place where whatever arises is a necessary part of my own clearing. And then coming back to the place of peace, we ask, "what was that all about again?" - it's literally like it didn't exist. Well in truth, it did and didn't the idea that all of that is "an illusion" is no easier to grasp that anything is real or illusion - for if we feel it, it was real to us. There is no point denying it. However, what does dissolve is the gravity of what we once though was a problem.
Likewise, the other day I was pondering how to approach coaching those who have had an experience similar to mine - getting locked up, forced with medication, seeing a shrink that dissmises everything as hallucination... After a conversation with a friend, I was urged to look within once more. The realisation was that for a few years, I had been in denial of any of the reality of my journey - the struggle of integrating the experiences, the struggle in general of existing in Earth (yes it's been a long slog of extremes and confusion!)... To the point that I had really thought I had dealt with it all, emotionally etc, but what in fact I had been doing was, seeking a complex spiritual reason to explain why it happened - but hiding from the more important truth that I had struggled for a long time with it all!
And in doing so, I had distanced myself from anyone and anything that would remind me of this inner struggle. On one had I am grateful for of course Spirit wanted to explore other things through me.... and so I have explored a great deal of spiritual mythology and practises... and now it's time to let it all go, and be at peace with whatever is happening, watch as the fears come and go, surrender to the process ever more, and in the mean time, get on with guiding and assisting others to come through in a holistic, awakening manner, without perhaps all the avoidance and drama that I created for myself!